Happiness, which is extremely rare in my life. I don’t even know if happiness is the answer to life’s mysteries, but it feels good. Are we just some mindless apes chasing happiness at all costs? That’s the question I’m faced with. Is happiness the answer, or do I just wait to die? I learned the secrets of the universe at like 22. It made me exceptionally smarter. Nobody could beat be in a debate. I got straight As all through grad school, on to my PhD as well. Nobody could fukc with me. But once you learn the secrets of the universe it makes you a nihilist. Nothing matters, it’s just a sliver of infinity. So, what’s the answer, when I was sober, it was chasing material things. When I started drinking again it was about personal connections. I told the rehab people today, I’m just a bad person sober. I come from 2 legit bad parents, so it’s only expected that I’d be bad too. I’m super negative. I’m on the left hand path for real. I start drinking and I’m a different person. I like to hang out with people a do fun things. I’m back into dating. Those are all positives, but they are the result of drinking. I didn’t do any of that sh!t when I was sober for 5 years. It was misery. I just wanted to die and was waiting for it. Now I want to live an experience children and love. It’s opened a new door for me, but at the cost of abusing alcohol too much. It’s a no-win situation. I’m fukced either way.
